7 Practical, science-backed tips for supporting a loved one with depression during the holidays

7 Practical, science-backed tips for supporting a loved one with depression during the holidays

Many moons ago, my youngest child was born just before Thanksgiving. Naturally, being a family full of baby enthusiasts, everyone wanted to be at our house that year. It was to be a huge gathering of friends and loved ones (who would all bring a dish) to celebrate and be grateful. Sounds amazing, right? It would’ve been—but thanks to that postpartum depression bitch, there was no way I could get into any type of holiday spirit at all. I didn’t want anyone to come over. I didn’t want to go anywhere else. Just thinking about it made me feel so overwhelmed that I cried. Several times a day.

So I confided in my friends. Their responses were mixed; some knew PPD well, others did not. The thing that was interesting was that some of the friends who experienced depression after having their own children expressed annoyance with me anyway. Which, of course, made me feel worse. Like, “I’m an awful person, do I even deserve another kid?” worse. It just didn’t occur to some of them that I didn’t want to be an unhappy pain in the ass; it’s just that I was in a deep, dark, and at times, terrifying hole. 

Everyone deserves a holiday season filled with joy, meaning, and gratitude. But telling people struggling with depression (or any mental health issue) to “get into the holiday spirit” might do more harm than good. Here are some science-backed, psychologically grounded suggestions for what you can do, instead: 

1. Validate their experience 

Research on emotion regulation and social buffering shows that feeling understood reduces stress responses and lowers perceived threat. So try to avoid minimizing their experience through well-meaning (I hope) comments like “But it’s the most wonderful time of the year! Cheer up!” Instead, a short, sweet “I know this time of year feels heavy for you, I get it.” Bonus points for letting them know they’re not alone; lots of people feel down during the holiday season. Because that’s true. 

2. Offer predictable, low-pressure connection

“Reward sensitivity” (called anhedonia) and fatigue are two trademark symptoms of depression, which can contribute to overwhelm during the holidays. This can make people want to go hide in a cave rather than join in the festivities. That’s why low-stakes but consistent connection can help. You might text or call once a week or so. If they don’t want to be alone, offer to hang out and watch a movie at their house. If you’re sending out invites to your annual Christmas party extravaganza, include a “no pressure if you can’t make it “caveat. These expressions use the principle of behavioral activation, which holds that small, manageable engagements can lift mood over time. 

3. Reduce holiday stressors

On top of a predisposition to becoming overwhelmed, people with depression often don’t cope with it as well when it shows up. This has a lot to do with impaired executive functioning, that is, how an individual functions in everyday life with regard to memory, problem-solving, planning—all the stuff that needs to happen for us to move around in life without dreading it. 

Since people with depression may have challenges with executive functioning, it makes sense to help by taking the load off a little. You can support by helping with running errands, meal prep, etc. (practical support). Just be sure to offer concrete choices instead of open-ended questions. For example, instead of asking what you can do or if there’s anything they need, just straight up ask, “Would it help if I grabbed you some groceries?” or let them know, “I’ll pick up the kids from school so you don’t have to get out if you don’t want to.” Decades of research show that specific, practical support lowers stress more than vague offers.

4. Encourage (but don’t push) self-help stuff 

Full disclosure: I’m a cynical person. Shocking, I know, but seriously, the idea of “self-help” anything immediately gets on my nerves because it seems like shallow pop psychology. HOWEVER, it's a thing for a reason. Turns out, taking care of yourself, particularly through regular exercise, is really good for your mental health. Who knew?

Depression disrupts sleep, appetite, physical activity, and motivation to do the things that are good for us. But the tricky part is getting your favorite depressed person to go out for that walk or do the laundry. That’s why a light (strategic) touch is necessary. After all, autonomy matters for anyone, regardless of mental state. 

Try something like “Ugh, I promised myself I’d go for a walk today, will you please please go with me? Just a couple of minutes, I promise.” Or you might come over and bring your laundry so you can do both theirs and yours as a team. Sometimes sharing in someone’s struggles gives them the little nudge they need to get moving. Even baby steps help. That’s just behavioral activation. 

5. Make space for their feelings

The pressure to be happy is often high during the holidays, which can trigger shame and exacerbate depression symptoms. Acceptance-based therapies (ACT, mindfulness therapy) show that allowing feelings without judgment or criticism can reduce rumination. Encourage your loved one to share specifically what’s hard for them. Normalize (but don’t minimize) their experience by letting them know that lots of people struggle with the holidays. Instead of “fixing” the situation for them, offer your presence and curiosity. They might just want to talk about it without anyone’s two cents. 

6. Come up with alternative traditions 

For some people with depression, particularly those experiencing grief and loss, old rituals can be painful. Creating new holiday rituals can help make meaning out of a tough time and shine a light on moving forward. For example, make some comfort food and watch a funny or positive movie together. Make the most ridiculous gingerbread house possible or paint ornaments together. Baking Christmas cookies can be fun, too. You might be surprised at how quickly a fun, snuggly, low-maintenance activity together can become a personal and meaningful tradition. 

7. Watch for warning signs & know when to encourage professional support

I didn’t just experience PPD; I’ve had MDD (major depressive disorder) my whole life, so I know how deep and dark depression can get. It never ceases to amaze me how our brains can trick us into thinking things that aren’t true. It doesn’t want to lie, mind you, that’s just how a lot of people’s depressed brains work. For example, many times in my life, I’ve thought, “Everyone would be better without me. It may be hard to cope with at first, but they’ll move on eventually with a much lighter load than having to deal with me.” That started at about 9 years old. I didn’t get a handle on it until I finally found a therapist who knew what she was doing. I was 38. 

Such thoughts are only one of many red flags to look for that signal when someone really needs help from a professional who knows what they’re doing. Other signs might include (but aren’t limited to): 

• Expressions of hopelessness

• Sudden withdrawal

• Dramatic mood swings

• Lack of interest in things they once enjoyed

• Lack of interest in anything

• Disruptions in sleep and/or appetite patterns

• Constant fatigue

So what’s a concerned party to do? Approach them, but with extreme care. It may not be the case for everyone, but I lied about my mental state for years because I was afraid of what would happen if I told the truth. Visions of psychiatric facilities and hours and hours of forced therapy were quite a deterrent. 

As such, normalizing therapy is a good place to start. Whatever direct exposure to therapy you’ve had—share it. If you’ve talked to someone, let them know how it has helped you. If you share a friend or relative with mental health challenges, talk about that (if you think they wouldn’t mind). Sometimes, the fear of the unknown can outweigh the motivation to feel better. If you can help remove some of that fear, you’re halfway there. 

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide or self-harm, please, please, a thousand times please call or text 988 to get in touch with the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Those folks know what’s up. 

Extending support beyond the holidays

Finally, it might go without saying, but be there for your loved one all year. The more consistent the support, the better. Also, it couldn’t hurt to read more posts like this about depression. Learn as much as you can; you may be surprised at all the myths and misunderstandings floating around out there about depression. 

Thanks so much for reading—take good care of yourself and each other.

💚 ❤️ Laura C